The Mystery of Chemistry

"When he's around, my whole body knows it. I'll keep talking and stuff, but my mind will have no idea what I'm saying. I keep wondering if there's a term for this." - My So-Called Life

There is... it's called a 'crush' and the culprit responsible for such a rush, I believe, is called 'chemistry'. How I get a "mind boggling, sense numbing, heart pounding, stomach flipping, take my breath away, head over heels, knee shaking, daydreaming, butterfly fluttering" feeling from one guy, and not the next deludes me...

Ahh... the mystery of chemistry.
Chemical reactions are sparked by a combination of body, personality, mind, and spirit. It's how the person relates to you, makes you laugh or inspires you.

One of the most exciting opportunities of dating is the chance to experiment with different combinations of these factors. Yes, it's a complex mix. But the more we sort out what we want and don't want, and the closer we get to the winning formula, the more likely we will find it -- and have chemistry!

The way you begin to identify what you want in a person is to start paying attention.
Pick up a magazine, go to a movie, sit in a coffee shop or bar, and look around. Take notes -- mentally or literally. What makes your heartbeat accelerate (and other body parts wake up), and why? Really try to identify the magical elements. Compare the different people you are attracted to and notice traits that keep coming up.

Allowing desire
Desire is a great motivator and automatically moves us toward our goals. Being aware of our desires also helps us notice when fulfillment is standing right in front of us. And desire is sexy. When you learn to express your desires, you'll be surprised by the transformation on your index of sexiness. Plastic surgery could not do as much for your attractiveness. And, not surprisingly, you'll start to get more dates, too.

Ever thought of what it means when you say someone is "hot"? Hot is turned on, alive, ready to engage. A hot person is about to create chemistry.

So let your excitement build. In fact, go ahead and add fuel to the fire. Fantasize, regularly. Self-help guides repeatedly tell us to envision our desired outcome, because it works. Don't be afraid of becoming preoccupied or regressing to an adolescent state. Revel in the fact that you get another shot at one of the most compelling experiences in life. Ah, chemistry.

An attitude of experimentation
As any scientist learns early on, an experiment that refutes the hypothesis is as valuable as one that comes out as expected. The same applies to dating. Pay attention to assumptions and take note of exceptions... geez, I'm beginning to sound like a lab teacher! LOL.

If we base success on liking everyone we date and having every date like us, we are not only setting ourselves up, we are limiting our experience and learning.

It's like this: If you don't get out there and see the full spectrum, notice all the colors of a rainbow, then, how do you know that red is your favorite color of the rainbow? Maybe if you would've gotten out there and notice purple, you would've like purple better. Or maybe yellow is a more becoming color! The opportunities are endless... go on, experiment, explore.

Your image of what works will evolve and grow as you date.

In experimentation, there is no failure, only discovery.


Excerpts modified by Han Nee and quoted from:
Laurie A. Helgoe, Ph.D., author of the "Boomer's Guide to Dating (Again)," is a clinical psychologist and national expert on relationships and desire. She is on the web at wakingdesire.com.